Hit The Road Jack!
Do you ever feel like saying that to those mean voices in your head? That scathing, vicious little voice you would never use on a puppy or your best friend, or even on your worst enemy. Do you know what I’m talking about? Often times we treat ourselves far worse than we would ever imagine treating anyone or anything ever in the whole wide world. Why do we do it? Why do we think we are a pretty decent human being, kind, compassionate, considerate—when it comes to dealing with other folks—but then totally ignore the fact that we can be a complete ogre to ourselves?
Experts say the reason we beat ourselves up if we do something wrong or fail or get rejected is because we think it is the best way to motivate ourselves to do better. Sound familiar? We tank at an audition and that little vulture voice starts in – “If only you weren’t so ____, ____, _____! Then you would have booked it!” Or we don’t make it to the gym, or eat a ton of chocolate, or sleep in, or whatever! And we get sixty lashes from that acid tongue. Such “motivation” doesn’t really work, I’m sure you know. It just makes us feel more down in the dumps and beat ourselves up more.
Niceness Clinically Proven To Be Better!
Science has proven that the reverse of harsh self-criticism is more effective. Contrary to popular belief, many studies have shown if we are kind to ourselves when things are going wrong we will be much more resilient, effective and happier. And more successful in the long run. This is where self-compassion comes in to play—and bear in mind it is a skill that can be developed, so don’t despair if you feel you are totally lacking in it.
Self-compassion is the ability to give yourself love and support no matter what is going on in your life. Wow! Wouldn’t that be great for the topsy-turvy life of an actor! It’s the ability to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for being exactly who you are. Wouldn’t that come in handy when your in the firing line of an audition! And wouldn’t that help you get out of yourself and do your best work? There wouldn’t be all that insecurity to stumble over, all that anxiety to overcome, all that second-guessing—you could actually have space in your consciousness to focus on your role, memorize your lines, let your real emotions come out! Sign me up!
Mammalian Genetics . . .
But why does it work? In the mammal brain there is this thing called the Comfort Circuit. Because mammals are born very immature and can’t take care of themselves, they need to stay close to their mothers. The Comfort Circuit is programed to respond to warmth, soft vocalization and gentle touch. When we are hurting or in danger, our system will be soothed by this softness. If instead we are treated harshly—by ourselves or others—it makes our system think we are in even more danger and we get defensive and shut down. Which can help if we are in a fight, flight or freeze situation—as our ancestors used to frequently find themselves in. But in the modern world when we aren’t running from saber-toothed tigers and what not very often, this harshness only serves to deepen our ineffectiveness.
For us actors, it’s a jungle out there. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find internal peace and positive ways to motivate ourselves. All I know is this self-harshness has to stop. Maybe, like me, you weren’t even aware that you’re mean to yourself. Maybe you’re just so used to it you’re like that frog in the pot of water that slowly got turned up to boiling. If that is the case, take a second sometime and listen to how you talk to yourself. Do you feel like it’s Gandhi on the other end of the megaphone or a medieval torturer about to have a hay day?
If it’s the former, awesome! You rock! Keep spreading sunshine. If it’s the latter, you might want to do yourself a favor and learn a little self-compassion. It will not only benefit you and your life, but it will make the world a better place for everyone.
But HOW?
But wait, it’s all very well and good to tell us to be compassionate to ourselves, you say. But HOW do we do that?
Ah! The $64K question. I have a few references. This book below, The Self-Compassion Skills Workbook by Tim Desmond is amazing for learning the ins and outs of being kind to one’s self. It even has a 14 day Plan to help you transform your relationship with yourself. Awesome! Also, Jack Plotnick (LA Based Actor, Director, Producer, & Fabulous Teacher) has a wonderful book, New Thoughts for Actors, which is fantastic too. I like it because it focuses in like a laser on those particular negative thoughts all actors have, and blows them out of the water.
Last, but not lease I have a Ted Talk for you (see below). This is Dr. Kristen Neff’s wonderful delving into the fine art of loving yourself. She also has a website that is really great and has tons of resources: self-compassion.org
Enjoy, you loveable creature, you!
